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AACC I Don't Love You Anymore Workshop Outline

Outline of my 2015 AACC Workshop in Nashville. How counselors can deal with serious marital sin with a Biblical, tough love, practical step by step strategy.

I. When the Crisis Hits

   A couple comes to see you and they are in full-blown crisis.  Serious marital sin has been exposed:

       adultery, sex addiction,alcoholism, drug addiction, anger/verbal abuse, financial irresponsibility, gambling

a caveat:  I will focus on adultery in this workshop, but my strategy applies to all marital sins

   What you need is a clear, Biblical, practical plan to help them heal from the trauma and start rebuilding their relationship

   My plan:  gets the sinner into repentance and recovery

                  gets the victim into trauma recovery

                  helps the relationship heal and be rebuilt

II. What "I Don't Love You Anymore" Means

   A. He's all the way done and has planned and plotted for months

   B. 90% of the time, it also means "I've got someone else I'm seeing"

III. My Definition of Adultery

   "any emotional involvement between a married person and a member of the opposite sex that is clearly beyond a reasonable business and/or social level."

   A. emotional connections count as adultery

   B. Facebook connections count as adultery

  C. All forms of sexual sin are adultery

IV. The Four Foundational Principles of My Approach

   The First Principle:  The Sin is 100% the Sinner's Fault

   it's very common, and very wrong, for counselors to blame the victim of adultery for the adultery.

   A. Placing any blame on the victim is:  not Biblical, further traumatizes the victim, and causes the sinner to not repent

   The Second Principle:  The Sin is the Only Focus in the First Phase of Counseling

   A. There is no Balancing Between the Spouses

   B. The Bible teaches us to confront sin in a direct, assertive way

   C.  Once Repentance is solid and recovery from the sin is well under way, then

Phase Two can begin:   the rebuilding of the marriage(using my book, I Don't Want a Divorce; I have a book for everything!)


The Third Principle:  Healing, Trust, and Forgiveness Take Time and Tremendous Effort

  A. There is no easy, quick forgiveness

       minimum one year to forgive adultery and other serious marital sins

   B. You can intellectually forgive, but emotional and reconciliation forgiveness take time


The Fourth Principle:  God Must be at the Center of the Process

  A. Involve God in every aspect of the healing process

  B. Stand on this verse:  Mark 10:27


V. The I Don't Love You Anymore Steps

   A. The Adultery Stops Right Now

    final phone call, all connections to the paramour severed, no warm fuzzies for the paramour

   B. AIDS and STD Testing

   C. Get a Support System in Place

   D. The Complete Truth about the Adultery is Spoken

        -the details are important 

        -the Bible describes sinful behavior in detail

        -without the details, there is no repentance and no recovery

    E. The Complete Truth about the Adultery is Written

         1. I require the sinner to write the Document:  a detailed, descriptive, and full account of the adultery

         2. the Document will be read to the spouse in a therapy session

The Document:  gets all the truth out, creates brokenness in the sinner, kills all feelings for the paramour, and tests the commitment and love of the sinner for the spouse

    F. The Mode

        1. the couple will have many, many talks about his adultery

        2. these talks are private

        3. the victim vents and asks questions

        4. the sinner's job is to be patient, kind, and gentle

    G. The Document of Response

             I require the victim to write a letter expressing the impact the adultery has had on her: 

                     a raw, visceral, brutally honest dump of her pain

   VI. When the Sinner Does Not Repent

        A. You suspend couple counseling;  kick the sinner out of your office

        B. The victim gathers her support team

        C. The victim gets her finances in order

        D. The Victim follows the Matthew 18:15-17 steps of Confrontation

                 one on one, one or two witnesses, church leaders, shunning, separation


   VII.  Building the New Marriage

        Once you have taken the couple through the I Don't Love You Anymore steps, it's time to follow a program to build the new marriage. 

        Here, the issues and mistakes of the victim of the sin are identified and addressed.

        One excellent resource for this new Phase of marital counseling(if I do say so myself)is my book:  I Don't Want a Divorce





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