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Weekly Marriage Blog

Matthew 18 Your Spouse

By Dr. David Clarke, Ph.D

The Big Idea

A spouse who refuses to communicate with you is sinning and needs Matthew 18:15-17 applied to him. 

The Teaching

Your husband(or wife)will not schedule the 4 Couple Talk Times per week.  He has no interest in opening up and communicating with you.  He could care less that you are miserable and lonely.  He now needs to face the consequences of this serious sin.  

Don't waste your time begging and pleading and crying and nagging.  Don't continue to meet his needs and be nice to him in the hope he will change.  He doesn't care what you do or say-he will not make any effort to emotionally connect with you. 

You have already done the first step of Matthew 18:15-17 by honestly sharing your deep desire for him to schedule the Talk Times and go through the Honey, We Need to Talk book.  Now, move immediately to the second step:  ask one or two godly men who know him well to confront him in his sin of stubbornly denying you emotional intimacy.  

Do not tell your husband about this coming confrontation.  This will be a sneak attack so maximum impact can be achieved.  Tell this man, or men, exactly what is going on in your marriage and how hurt you are.  Ask them to go to your husband in person and lovingly and firmly confront him in his sin.  Ask them to tell him that you are deeply wounded and that the marriage is in trouble.  Ask them to tell him that they are asking him as his Christian brothers to step up, man up, and take the actions you are asking of him.  Ask them to tell him that they are willing to come alongside him and hold him accountable as he works to communicate with you. 

If your husband is broken by this confrontation and repents of his sin and takes action in the communication area, great.  No other Matthew 18 steps need to be taken.  But, if he still refuses to change his sinful ways and will not begin a process of communicating with you, go as soon as possible to the next step in the Matthew 18 process.  

I will cover this step in my next blog.  Again, just so I am clear:  the choice by a spouse to not open up and learn how to communicate is a serious sin.  It is a violation of the Biblical commands to the husband(or wife).  It is outrageously selfish.  It is very hurtful to the other spouse.  It is killing the marriage.

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