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When the Husband Doesn't Schedule Talks

By Dr. David Clarke, Ph.D

The Big Idea

What you can do if your husband does not schedule your Couple Talk Times. 

The Teaching

I have spent a number of blogs explaining how 4 thirty minute Couple Talk Times each week will revolutionize your communication and your marriage.  But, all these points will be useless if you actually don't have any Couple Talk Times.  I have made it clear that it is the husband's job, as leader, to schedule these Talk Times and lead them.  

What if your husband is not scheduling your Couple Talk Times?  Many good men will not follow through.  They have their reasons: it is not that important, we talk enough, I feel controlled/confined by having to schedule these talks. . .  So, no talk times.  So, no deep conversations.  So, no real intimacy.  

Here is what you can do to motivate your man to schedule these talks.  Schedule a meeting with him, a few days in the future.  Tell him it is important, it is about your marriage, but don't tell him what is it about.  Let the suspense build. 

At the meeting, make a one way presentation about the lack of scheduling the Talk Times.  As you begin, tell him you will talk for 5-7 minutes and you don't want any response from him at all.  You just want him to listen to you.  Tell him when you're done, you will walk away and you want him to think and pray about what you have said.  When he's ready, in a day or so, you want to hear his response.  This way, you can avoid his initial defensiveness and there's a better chance he will actually think and pray about the topic. 

Here is your presentation:  "I am upset, angry, disappointed you have chosen to not schedule any Couple Talk Times.  These Talk Times are important to me and our marriage.  If we don't make time to communicate, we will not be close.  By not scheduling these Talks, you are sending me the message that you don't care about me.  I want to try these Talk Times and see if they improve our level of intimacy.  If they don't, okay.  But, if we never have them we will never know.  It is up to you to schedule them-you are the leader.  I won't schedule them and I won't nag you.  You are obviously having trouble following through on the scheduling and there are reasons for this.  I would love to hear what is stopping you-we can talk about the obstacles and get past them."

When you are done, walk away.  Even if he begins to give you a response, do not listen.  Tell him again you want him to think and pray for at least a day, and then get back to you. 

My book Honey, We Need to Talk is a practical step by step guide to better and deeper conversation.  If your man admits he does not know what the heck he is doing in the area of communication(this is a major reason why he does not schedule these Talks), this book will be his instruction manual.  It is a book you go through together. 

You can find this book on my website, any fine bookstore, or Amazon(you can find anything on Amazon). 

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