My Spouse Wants Out - ebook

INTRODUCTION

YOUR SPOUSE HAS DROPPED THE  BOMB

 

            Your spouse has told you that he doesn’t love you anymore, and he wants a divorce.  You can’t believe these words have come out of his mouth.  You never saw this bomb coming.

            Sure, the marriage hasn’t been great lately.  The level of intimacy and passion has dipped.  You can admit that.  But, divorce?  Things aren’t that bad!

            Why would he throw your marriage and family away?

 

Why Does He Want a Divorce?

 

            You ask him why he wants a divorce, and he gives you a bunch of petty resentments, half-baked excuses, and lame justifications:

            “I don’t love you anymore.”

            “We’ve grown apart.”

            “I never loved you.”

            “I feel trapped.”
            “I haven’t been happy for a long time.”

            “We are too different.”

            “I love you like a friend, not a spouse.”

            “We’re better off apart.”

            “You’ll never change.”

            “You don’t love me.”

            “I can’t love you the way I need to.”

            “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”

            “You’ve done too many things that hurt me.”

            “I just want to be happy.”

            “It’s better for the kids, because our bad marriage is hurting them.” 

 

Who Is This Person?

 

            You can’t believe the awful words coming from his mouth.  Who is this person, and what has he done with your husband?  This is not the man you married!  He is a complete stranger to you.

            He is cold.  Selfish.  Self-righteous.  He has no empathy.  No compassion.  He may act as though he’s sorry for tearing you apart, but that’s what it is:  an act.  You look into his eyes.  They’re dead.  He has no feelings for you except disgust and disappointment—and oh, yes, anger and bitterness.

            His “reasons” for divorcing you don’t make any sense.  At least, to you.  They make perfect sense to him.  Not one of his reasons comes close to a biblical reason for divorce. And, to a Bible believing and directed person, this is most significant.  But, he thinks he has an airtight case, and he’s going to divorce you.

            In the Bible, marriage is God-ordained and held in the highest possible place among human beings.  Marriage is compared to nothing less than the relationship believers in Christ have with Him in the Church (Ephesians 5:31, 32).  In the second chapter of the first book of the Bible, are the words, “For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and the two shall become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24, repeated by Jesus in Matthew 19:5).

            In Malachi 2:16, it is recorded that God hates divorce. 

Traditionally in wedding ceremonies, Matthew 19:6 is quoted:  “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” 

There are only two reasons allowing divorce given in the Bible: adultery (Matthew 19:9), and desertion by a non-Christian  (1 Corinthians 7:15).  Unless you are guilty of one of these two actions, your spouse has no biblical right to divorce you.

 

Suddenly, My Life is in Shreds

 

            You are in shock.  Devastated.  Crushed.  Traumatized.  Overwhelmed.  Deeply wounded by his cruel and total rejection of you.

            He has betrayed you in just about the worst way anyone can betray a person.  He promised, before God and you, and family and friends, to love and protect you for as long you shall live.  Now, he’s breaking that sacred promise and dumping you.  And, he could care less.

 

What Do I Do to Save My Marriage?

 

            You do not want a divorce!  You’re desperate to get your spouse to come back to his senses and not leave you. You still love this man.  You don’t want to lose him.  You don’t want your children to go through a divorce.

            You will do anything to save your marriage.  But, you don’t know what to do.  If you do what comes naturally, you will damage yourself and get divorced.  If you follow the popular Christian advice for saving a marriage when one spouse wants out, you will damage yourself and get divorced.

 

I Have a Plan That Can Save Your Marriage

 

            I’ve been a practicing clinical psychologist for thirty years. I have a Ph. D. in clinical psychology and a master’s degree in biblical studies.  For these past thirty years, my focus has been saving marriages.  It’s what I do.  It’s my passion.  It’s my ministry.

            I have seen God use my plan to save hundreds of marriages.  Yours could be next.

            My Save Your Marriage plan is bold.  It is aggressive.  It is tough love to the extreme.  Most importantly, it is biblical.

 

           My Plan of Action will:                

           empower you.

           give you back control and confidence.

           get your children through this family trauma.

           protect your relationship with your children.

           help you save your spouse from disaster.

           provide you with strength to move on if you do get divorced.

 

             And, my plan of action will give you the best chance to save your marriage.

 

Believe Your Spouse is Gone

 

            When you hear your spouse say he doesn’t love you anymore, and he spouts a number of the stupid excuses for wanting a divorce that I listed earlier, it means one thing.  He’s done with the marriage.

            He’s not confused.  He’s not wondering if your marriage can be saved.  He’s not going through a weird, temporary phase.  He’s not stressed out and saying things he doesn’t mean.

            He is deadly serious.  He has made up his mind.  He is deep in sin but doesn’t realize it.  He has decided, without one tiny doubt, to divorce you.

            My plan will give you the best possible opportunity to change his mind and bring him back to God and to you.

 

Get Angry, and Fight Back

 

            As soon as you can, you need to go from a weak, pathetic wimp to an angry, assertive warrior.  I’m going to show you exactly how to make this transformation.

            The first crisis occurred when he told you your marriage is over.  I’m going to help you recover from this first crisis as soon as possible.

            The second crisis is the one you are going to create for him.  Following my plan, you will shake him up as he’s never been shaken before.  You will, with God’s presence and power, traumatize him.  But, in a good way.  The trauma you and God will produce in his life can break him, lead him to true repentance, and to his wanting you back.

 

This Book’s Target Audience

 

            If your spouse—husband or wife—wants a divorce for unbiblical reasons, this book is for you.  Throughout the book, I refer to the husband as the sinning spouse, the spouse who wants out.  It may just as easily be the wife who wants out.  Whether your spouse is a man or woman, my principles are the same, and they will be effective for you.

 

Here’s My Save Your Marriage Plan

 

             My plan has four parts.

Part One:  What Not to Do

            I make sure you avoid the classic mistakes most spouses make in trying to bring back a spouse who wants out.  Many of these mistakes are advocated and taught by Christian leaders who are considered experts. 

Part Two:  What to Do

            I explain, in detail, how to go on the offensive and turn the tables on your sinning spouse.  My tough love strategy will empower you and shake your spouse to his core. 

Part Three:  Destroy the Excuses

            I identify many of the stupid, insipid, sinful excuses your spouse will verbalize and I will give you truthful, edgy and effective responses.  When you respond aggressively, you gain strength and create weakness and doubt in your sinning spouse.

Part Four: “Matthew Eighteen” Your Spouse

            I teach you how to apply Matthew 18:15-17 in confronting your spouse and making his sinful decision to divorce you the only issue.

 

It’s Time to Save Your Marriage

 

            I do not guarantee my plan will save your marriage.  But, I repeat, I do guarantee, with complete confidence, that my plan will give you the best opportunity to save your marriage.

            Are you ready to find out how to get your crazy, sinful spouse’s attention and save your marriage?

            Turn the page.

  

CHAPTER ONE

DON’T RELY ON YOURSELF

 

            From the moment your spouse informs you he wants a divorce, you are in a war to save your marriage.  It is a war that will last for months.  It is a war that will be unbelievably difficult, brutally painful, and incredibly exhausting.  And, if won, will yield a magnificent lifelong reward.

 

A War Against Three Enemies

 

            Your first enemy is your spouse.  He is determined to divorce you.  But he wants far more than the divorce.  He wants the blame for the divorce to be on you.  He wants to look good to your children, to friends and family, and to the community.  And, he wants to win the best financial deal possible.

            How is he going to get what he wants?  By a variety of vicious strategies to overwhelm you, damage you, weaken you, and break you.

            Sadly, your second enemy is a large portion of the Christian community.  You will find support from some Christians, and this will be a great help to you.  But many Christians, particularly Christian leaders and many who claim to be “experts” in the field of marriage, will give you disastrous advice, their advice will harm you and your children, and get you divorced.

            Your third enemy is your most dangerous adversary in the war for your marriage.  He is Satan.  Satan hates your marriage because it is a picture of Christ’s relationship with the Church.  Marriage is a sacred relationship, and he hates everything that is sacred.

            In one location, the Bible describes Satan as a ravenous lion seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8).  Satan wants to destroy your marriage, your husband, your children, and you.  He wants to do harm to others who love you and your family.  And, most of all, Satan wants to harm the cause of Christ and the kingdom of God.

            Satan has your sinning spouse by the throat.  You are not just trying to save your marriage.  You are trying to save your spouse from destruction and misery and, if he is a believer, repair a severely damaged relationship with God.

            In Ephesians 6:10-11, Paul tells us how to win the war against Satan: 

Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 

 

How to Win the War

 

            To defeat your three main adversaries, do not rely on yourself.  Under your own power, you have zero chance to win.  Not only will you not win, you will suffer terrible wounds and be badly damaged in the course of the war.

            God is the only One who can give you the strength to follow my war plan.  God is the only One who can protect you and your children in this nightmare and get you through to safety.  God is the only One who can save your marriage.         

You must rely on God.

 

Begin a Relationship with God

 

            To rely on God and be able to access God’s power in the war for your marriage, you must have a personal relationship with Him through His son, Jesus Christ.  This is what makes you a Christian.

            There is one God, and that is the God of the Bible.  There is one way to establish a relationship with God, and that is through His Son, Jesus Christ.

            Here is Jesus Christ, in His own words:

            I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me. John 14:6

            A Christian is one who has recognized his need of a Savior and through trusting Christ has been forgiven.  God sent Jesus to die for your sins—all the things you’ve done wrong—so that you can have a relationship with God.

            This is what you must do to become a Christian:

            For I delivered to you first of all that which I also received: how Christ died for our sins according to the Scriptures, was buried, rose again on the third day according to the Scriptures. 1 Corinthians 15:3-4

            When you believe these truths—Jesus died for your sins, He was buried, and He rose from the dead—you become a Christian.  You have a personal relationship with God through His Son.

 

Become a Christian Right Now

 

            If you are not a Christian yet, I urge you to become one.  You can begin your relationship with God through Jesus right now by saying the words in this brief prayer:

Dear God,

 I know I am a sinner.  I’ve made many mistakes and sinned in my life.  I realize my sin separates me from You, a holy God. I believe that Your Son, Jesus Christ, died for my sins, was buried, and rose from the dead. I give my life to You now.           

              If you prayed this prayer—not just said the words, but believed in your heart-- you now know God as a Father, and He will be by your side, and carry you at all times as you fight for your marriage.

 

Grow Closer to God

 

            Three behaviors are critical to growing closer and closer to God.  As you work on these behaviors, you will gain the power and confidence of God.

            The first is have a daily quiet time with God.  During this time, it is just you and God, spending ten to fifteen minutes together in a private, quiet place.  Use part of this time to pray, which simply means talking with God.  You can confess your sins, ask for His infusion of power to help you eliminate sins from your life, thank Him for all He’s doing for you, share triumphs and troubles, and make requests.  Also, read a few verses from the Bible in a version that clearly speaks to you.  And spend a few minutes meditating and thinking about how you can apply the Bible’s truths in your life.

            The second behavior is to pray throughout your day.  God is with you everywhere you go, so keep talking to Him.  Tell Him what’s happening, what you are thinking and feeling about what’s happening.  When worry and anxiety creep in, ask for His guidance and watch for it.  Ask for His help, His wisdom and His strength as you navigate the ups and downs of your day.  (See such encouraging verses as Philippians 4:6-7, Colossians 2:2-3, James 1:5 and 1 Peter 5:7.)

            The third behavior is to attend a local Bible teaching church every week.  The Bible teaches that we are to be a part of a local church (Hebrews 10:25).  But don’t just attend.  Get involved!  Join a small group such as a regular, weekly Bible Study, a Life Group, or a Celebrate Recovery group.

            In a small group, along with your fellow members, you will tell the group what is happening in your battle for your marriage.  They will love you, support you, pray for you, cry with you, and help you stick to my Save Your Marriage war plan.

            With your loving Heavenly Father on your team, you will be able to follow the first “What Not to Do” warning:  Don’t rely on yourself.

            You are now ready to deal with the second “What Not to Do” warning:  Don’t follow the most popular Christian advice in your efforts to save your marriage.